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Well in 8 hours I start the first day of my internship...I am neither excited nor nervous...I'm happy that I'm going to be working within my field and would love to get a job with them on a semi permanent basis (until after school)...but I do not relish the idea of screaming school kids all day for the next 3 weeks...Oh well I made my bed....I'll just keep looking forward to the time when I get to help with the new exhibit...yeah...something more my speed...Life at eatnpark is getting to be unbearable and I hope for deliverance from that place in the form of either the powerball jackpot or a job somewhere else...I got to spend quite a bit of time chatting with Mario and Stacey today and I look forward to tomorrow when we can chat again...I spent alot of this evening listening to music I haven't entertained in a long time...I feel a side of me that laid dorment for so long waking up from its slumber...Its a good feeling...I missed this side of my personality...temporarily tucked away for safe keeping until I was ready for her to come out again...I'm not so sure that its godiva that is coming back to me but maybe some of her better aspects mixed with some of my darker aspects...I'm not sure I could live with her again as the days of her reign are long over...I found the dress and boots that I want to have to wear for my birthday...VERY VERY sexy...After FSG I will be buying them and stashing them away for my night out to the goth club in baltimore...I have this whole inner struggle going on right now with my view that my goth side should not be allowed to manifest due to my age...I've worked very hard the past year and a half to restructure my life and my future accordingly and I don't need to come off as attempting to act much younger than I am...But the dark side of me calls...She is there in the shadow whispering my name and waiting for me to accept that I am who I am to the core...no matter what my calendar age may be...Age should be nothing but a marker...Something meant to guide us as to what stage of being we are...not to rule us into submission...I fear that should I allow her to take over completely that I will not be taken seriously by my teachers, my peers, my children or my husband...I know that he loves me deeply and without judgement but I wonder what his reaction would be if I decided to live out the remainder of my days in the shadowy realm of my personality...I'm sure either way he'll love me no matter what...I find more and more of me thinking of things through newly doorways...I'm comfortable in myself and I know this is me just a different chamber showing through...My darker side is always there...always peeking out...but I keep that door not locked but tended...I allow the inhabitant of that room to enter into my world on a regular basis but I have yet to throw open the door and invite her to join the conversation fully...

Ok I think its time for me to head to bed...I'm wired and sleepy at the same time and the Zoloft is kicking in :)...yeah maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight...ttfn

A little insight

maevetygreyd: <--Scott, I'm not saying that a relationship isn[t going to happen, but I want to remind everyone, you guys are new at being poly, we are new to a quad, I personally think we need to go very very slow and remember that friends with bennies is better than something destroying it all
WindyMWS: lol, i know..i know...and after our first outing in this, we are a little gun shy ourselves
WindyMWS: and i DON"t WANT to loose what we have now which is a great freindship
WindyMWS: but i did want to hear it clear.
maevetygreyd: and at the moment, I have alot to process just with Tif, her reverting back to being Godiva isn[t as good a thing as everyone thinks, Godiva almost put her nand I in divorce court once...and I don[t want that to happen again now that queen godiva is back
maevetygreyd: oooooh my
maevetygreyd: tif again
WindyMWS: oi
WindyMWS: oh boy
WindyMWS: i really hope he doesn't feel we have sparked something bad...
maevetygreyd: <Scott for a sec, Tif didn[t know what I was going to type there, I think she just got a shock herself...I don't blame you guys at all, I just want everyone to relize I CAN NOT live with queen bitch again, I will kill myself or dissapear first Ok where the fuck to begin...Well I wrote my LJ entry last night that both of you read...I spoke to mario today about how scott responded to it...Well apparently when he said that he understood...he still had underlying issues that he needed to rear the head of... When I was dancing my work persona was "godiva"...And I created her from the darker side of me...But I allowed her to feed off of the negativity around me to the point that she became my dominant persona...I know this is all coming across like I have multiple personalities...jesus maybe I do...who the hell knows...anyway...I started HATING men...and when I say men I mean ALL MEN...Every last one of them...Including Scott...All men to me were nothing but evil vile creatures who served no earthly purpose other than to manipulate for what I wanted...I was surrounded daily by men who did nothing but demean me, use me and piss me off...I was an object to them and they were less than nothing to me...But I made the mistake of not seperating home life from work life...I did learn my lesson...when I quit dancing (because of a fucked up man) godiva no longer go her ego feedings of all the attention...she withered up and slowly went away...I buried her because I was attempting to salvage what was left of my relationship, my family and to start a new life with a SIGNIFICANT financial deficit.... So when Scott hears that I'm revisiting the darker side of me he assumes that I'm going to breath life back into the side of me that almost caused us our marriage... I was a bitch...I was a bitch to him like you could NEVER understand... He's worried and concerned that she will return to claim me from him... I'm not going to let that happen... I'm MUCH smarter than I was 3 1/2 years ago...I know I have a wonderful man who loves me and whom I love more than anything on this planet...He allows me to be who I am no matter what the concequence...but I must make sure that what I am doesn't cause me to lose the one person in this world I know I can't live without (other than my kids of course) So Scott is dealing with fear, anxiety and all of this all from my live journal entry from last night...I didn't mean for this to happen but it did...maybe its good that it did cause it gives you two a little glimpse into where we are coming from.. He is not saying that he doesn't want to continue...he just wants us all to use our heads and handle this relationship carefully so that noone is hurt and the original relationships are not stressed... I hope that all of this does not scare you two off...You are very dear to BOTH of us and we don't want this to push you away... If you have questions about any of this PLEASE speak up... We are open books and will answer anything you need... TTFN Tif

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I missed this side of my personality...temporarily tucked away for safe keeping until I was ready for her to come out again...I'm not so sure that its godiva that is coming back to me but maybe some of her better aspects mixed with some of my darker aspects...I'm not sure I could live with her again as the days of her reign are long over...



In rereading my entry from last night the above passage sticks out at me...I clearly said taht I'm not attempting to bring her out again...hmmm...